


The Art of Love

by SelnyCelery



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars: Rebels, Star Wars: Thrawn Series - Timothy Zahn (2017)
Genre: Awkward Flirting, Couch Cuddles, Developing Relationship, Everyday Life Aboard the Chimaera, F/M, Falling In Love, Getting to Know Each Other, Hugs, I'm Bad At Titles, Love at First Sight, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Romantic Fluff, Thrawn needs to learn how human relationships work
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-21
Updated: 2020-04-16
Packaged: 2020-12-27 08:42:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 15,164
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21115937
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SelnyCelery/pseuds/SelnyCelery
Summary: You're a young lieutenant who has just been transfered to the Chimaera and you're really happy about it. An assignment on an Imperial Star Destroyer, what else do you wish for? But when you get to know your new superior, the infamous Grand Admiral Thrawn, things start to get complicated ... [title might be changed]





	1. A new beginning

“Now come on, hurry up! Our shift’s starting soon! Or do you really want to leave a bad impression right on the first day at your new assignment?”

“Yeah, yeah, I’m coming!” A bit annoyed, you try to get your left foot in the boot. Actually, you love these combat boots, which are an inherent part of the uniforms of Imperial fleet officers, but pulling them on and off is usually a torture. The high command has promised that there would be new models soon, but it’s in doubt how long this will take.

“Okay, I’m ready! We can leave, Jen.” You’ve won the fight against the boot and turn around.

“Well, that took some time”, the other woman says with a grin on her face. She’s leaning against the wall next to the door, her long, black hair is falling over her shoulders, and you furl your eyebrows. “Don’t you want to tie up your hair?”

“Oh, don’t be silly”, Jen answers, “we’re on a starship, not on the battlefield where you always get your hair in your face because of the wind.”

“But fleet protocol says that long hair has to be tied up.” Instinctively you grab your own hair, which has been carefully put into a bun.

“But in the time you used for doing your hair, I put on my boots, and because of that I was faster than you”, Jen counters. “Come on, let’s go.”

With a grin on your face you shake your head while you grab your officer’s hat and take one last checking look in the mirror. “Alright, new assignment, we’re coming.”

The Star Destroyer on which you’re serving now is considerably bigger than the light cruisers you were used to know before, but thanks to various signs and maps on the walls, it isn’t too difficult to find your way. You arrived just yesterday at 1500 standard time, and by now you haven’t seen much apart from the canteen and the crew quarters. You and Jen got to know each other on your last assignment on an Imperial light cruiser and quickly became friends, and because of that you were really happy when you heard that both of you would be removed to the ISD _Chimaera_. Luckily, your request regarding to share a room has been granted, and now you are here on the flagship of the infamous Seventh Fleet, whose commander is none other than Grand Admiral Thrawn.

His name is well-known within the Imperial fleet and it’s considered as a privilege to serve under his command. It’s said that he often used unconventional, but almost always successful tactics. Apart from that, you don’t know much about him, only that he is a nonhuman. You and Jen have been promoted to the rank of Lieutenant just before your reassignment, and you haven’t had the time to get exact information about your new position and your superiors by now.

In the meantime, you’ve left the quarter section and got to the crew supply office. Since you’re new on the ship, you haven’t got all of your equipment, among them also your datapad, on which all your tasks are noted.

You enter the room, and the officer behind the desk looks up and gives you a friendly nod. “Good morning. You must be the two lieutenants that we picked up yesterday, am I right?”

“Yes”, Jen answers. “I’m Lieutenant Jenna Molani. We’re here to get our datapads.”

“Of course”, the man replies. “Here you are.” He hands you and Jen one datapad each. You activate the screen. On the top right corner, you can see your name, next to it the words _Lieutenant, Weapon Officer_ and your number.

“Alright, then good luck on your new assignment”, the man says. You both thank him and leave the office.

“So, where do you need to go?”, you ask Jen when you’re standing in the corridor.

“Down to the machines, of course”, she replies. “Where else, do you think, would a technical officer be required?”

“Well, I guess it’s time to say goodbye then”, you say with contrived sadness. “At least till the end of the shift.” You haven’t checked your tasks yet, but you’re stationed on the bridge, that much you know.

“You have to tell me everything later”, Jen reminds you. “Especially what the admiral looks like. I don’t think that I’ll run into him at the hyperdrive.”

Shortly afterwards you arrive at the bridge. Your datapad says that the responsible officer will instruct you, but there is no name given. You open the door to the bridge and look around. You aren’t really afraid that someone might look at you in an odd way when you, a stranger, appear on the bridge. Your uniform shows you as a member of the Imperial fleet, but if you just stand there doing nothing, it will come across a bit weird after some time. But luckily, this situation doesn’t occur because a woman, you assume that she’s about thirty, has noticed you and is heading your way.

“Good morning, Lieutenant”, she starts. “I’m Commodore Faro, the _Chimaera_’s chief officer. I’m going to show you your seat, the responsible officer will give you further instructions.”

She guides you towards the right crew pit and addresses a woman who’s sitting in front of a tactical display and typing something in her datapad. “Pyrondi? This is your new assistant. Show her everything she needs.”

“Understood, Commodore”, the woman replies. “Come here.”

You climb down the ladder into the crew pit and sit down next to her, in front of another tactical screen.

“Alright, let’s get started”, she says. “I’m Senior Lieutenant Pyrondi, but I think you already know that. I assume you already have some experience in commission?”

“Yes, Ma’am”, you reply submissively. “But I’ve only served on light cruisers so far, never on a Star Destroyer.”

“Well, the differences aren’t that big”, Pyrondi reassures you. “I’ll show you.”

Thanks to Pyrondi’s explanations, it doesn’t take you long to understand what your tasks are. At the beginning, you only need to handle the simpler weapons, while Pyrondi would handle the complex ones herself.

Suddenly you hear the sound of the opening bridge doors. Pyrondi takes a look at the time display on her tactical screen and taps your arm.

“Go on, look. This should be the grand admiral, and you don’t know him yet, do you?”

You follow her instruction, look up – and your body freezes.

A tall man is striding across the walkway. His frame is almost identical with those of humans, but his blue skin clearly marks him as an alien. His neatly back-combed hair has also got a black-blue colour, and his eyes are glowing red. He stops next to Faro and starts to talk to her.

You can’t hear what they are talking about, but instead you notice more details of his look. He’s got an even nose, some bulges on his forehead which are certainly caused by his alien origin, and surprisingly thin eyebrows. You ask yourself how it would feel to touch them gently with your fingers …

Wait, what are you thinking about? _Alright, you meet your new superior for the first time, and all you can think of is how you would touch his eyebrows. Which, by the way, fit just perfectly to his handsome face …_

Stop it! You shake your head, as if you want to banish the thoughts. Pyrondi tries to suppress a grin. “Impressed?”

“Ehh, yes, I mean, he’s a very … uncommon sight”, you reply and desperately hope that you’re not blushing.

“Don’t worry”, Pyrondi says. “He may be a nonhuman, but he’s the most skilled officer I know.”

The morning runs to schedule, and at 1330 standard time, the _Chimaera_ leaves the planet’s orbit. Actually, the ship has only stopped here in order to fill up its supplies and to pick up you and Jen. Your next destination is the Outer Rim, where the _Chimaera_ should go on patrol and proceed against pirates and rebels if necessary.

The grand admiral is standing at the very front of the bridge, his view is now turned towards the nothing of space. His broad shoulders are tightened, his hands clutched behind his back. He looks like a statue, proud and dignified. You would love to see the look on his face.

By now, the ship has diverged from the planet. The navigator actuates some switches, and the stars draw out and form a bright blue tunnel. You’ve made the jump to hyperspace.

Time passes, and you’ve nearly finished your first shift. You’re just about to get ready to leave when a shadow falls down on you from the walkway. You look up – right into a pair of crimson eyes. _Thrawn_.

“You’re the new lieutenant, aren’t you?” It sounded like a question, but you’re pretty sure that it was none. He steps aside, and you follow the indirect order and climb out of the crew pit. “You’re right, Sir. I’m the assisting weapon officer.”

“I’m pleased that you’re going to strengthen the _Chimaera_’s bridge crew in the future.” He holds out his hand, and you take it. His skin is warm and soft, and you notice his well-groomed fingernails.

“Thank you”, you answer. “I’m looking forward to my work here. I’ve never thought that I would serve under a powerful officer like you one day.”

“I trust you to do an excellent job, Lieutenant. You may go. If I’m not mistaken, your shift is over now.” He bends his head and turns around in order to return to his place at the front of the bridge.

When you arrive in your quarter, it’s still abandoned. You decide to take the chance and be the first one to take a shower. You take a set from your casual clothes and enter the bathroom.

When you come back after a short time, Jen is already sitting on her bed. “And? How was your day?”

“Great! The other officers really helped me, and a Star Destroyer’s weapons are only slightly more difficult to handle than the ones on a smaller ship. How about you?”

“It was amazing! You cannot imagine how impressive the machine room of this giant ship is. But now tell me, have you seen the grand admiral?”

“Yes, alright, listen”, you start. “I’ll tell you what he looks like. First of all, his skin is blue. His hair has got a similar colour, and his eyes are red, and I had the feeling that were glowing. But apart from that, he looks very human. He’s quite tall, with broad shoulders and – hey, what is it?”

You notice that Jen looks at you with a strange expression on her face.

“Please tell me”, she starts, “is it possible that you have a crush on Grand Admiral Thrawn?”

“_What_?!” You’re so startled that you let the towel, which you used to dry your hair, slip through your fingers, and it falls down on the floor. “What gives you that idea?”

“You’ve got this dreamy look in your eyes when you talk about him”, Jen claimed. “And you described him as quite good-looking.”

“But when it’s true?”, you reply a bit annoyed.

“For you it’s true because you think he’s attractive. But there might be people who call him weird-looking or even ugly. So, tell me, do you like him?”

“Hmm, yes, maybe”, you murmur, when suddenly something comes to your mind. “Hey, didn’t you once tell me that you had a crush on one of your trainers at the academy? That guy was nearly fifty!”

“So what? Oh, come on, I didn’t say that your feelings are a bad thing! You just have to be aware of the fact that they’ll never have chance.” She stands up. “I’m going to take a quick shower now, and then we’ll take a look at the leisure facilities, okay?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, here it is, my first longer story! I somehow really like the idea of Thrawn and an ordinary officer falling in love with each other, so I tried to write their story myself. I don't know when the next chapter will be finished because I've got lots of things to do for school at the time. I'm also sorry for any mistakes, English is not my native language, but I always try to improve. Thank you for reading!


	2. "May I ask ...?"

Some weeks have passed. Jen and you quickly got used to the everyday life aboard the _Chimaera_. There haven’t been any special events by now, but you like your job anyway because in this way, you’ve got a lot more time to eye Thrawn precisely and memorise the details of his look. There is his blue skin which always makes him stick out of all other people. And his narrow, glowing red eyes which seem to pierce right through the crew members on the bridge. Pyrondi once said that she still felt uncomfortable every time she noticed him looking at her. You don’t mind too much about that, but you would really like to know what he’s thinking about when you feel his glance rest on you.

At the beginning, Jen often joked about your infatuation, but by now she herself has fallen in love as well. A young, handsome officer started to look at her with interest at some point every time you two were eating in the canteen, and since he’s asked her out once, she meets him regularly. You still can’t remember his name, Korvyn … whatever.

Unfortunately, you haven’t been able to see Jen that often recently. Your work at different times now, and both of you have got many things to do. You get along well with the other officers and crew members, but by now there haven’t developed closer friendships. But you secretly enjoy the time you spend alone in your quarters because then you can think about Thrawn without being interrupted.

Jen still believes that your feelings would fade away after some time because they aren’t returned anyway, but it seems that this is not the case. On the contrary, they seem to become stronger with time. Your fantasies get less and less innocent. When it all started, you liked to imagine how he would take your hands and hug you tenderly, but by now he would give you hungry kisses, first on your mouth, then on your whole body.

You catch yourself banning these thoughts while working with increased frequency. On some days, Pyrondi needs to remind you to stay focused multiple times. You’re glad that Thrawn hasn’t noticed your lack of attention yet. At least you think he hasn’t.

Another day has passed without any special events. You climb out of the crew pit and are just about to leave the bridge, when you suddenly someone calling you.

“Lieutenant?”

You turn around and see Commodore Faro coming your way. You stop immediately and wait for her until she’s reached you. She gives you a friendly nod.

“May I talk to you privately?” Her voice is calm, but severe.

“Yes, of course, Commodore. Did I do something wrong?” You have no idea why she would want to talk to you in private.

She guides you away from the consoles and out of earshot of the other crew members on the bridge. Then she turns around and looks at you.

“You are doing really well, Lieutenant. The grand admiral is very contented with your work. But it occurred to him that you recently seem to be … distracted. Are you alright? Do you have any problems?”

_So that’s what this is about._ You quickly try to find an answer. “No, no, I’m fine, I assure you I am. I promise to be more focused in future.”

“That is what you have to do”, Faro says. “I don’t want you to get into trouble, but we are on a warship. In battle, taking immediate action can decide on victory or defeat.”

“I know that, Commodore. I won’t get distracted so easily anymore, I promise. May I go?”

“You may, Lieutenant.” She nods to you and returns to her position, while you open the door and leave the bridge.

When you arrive in your quarters, you take a quick shower and then climb up on your bed. You agreed to take the upper bunk bed, but you like it because it offers a bit more privacy.

You’re already looking forward to the evening because Jen promised you not to take out Korvyn tonight, like she did in the last few weeks, but instead spend some time with you. One of the senior officers would celebrate his birthday, so there would be a little party.

There’s still some time left until Jen would come back from work, but you already have a plan to pass it. You take your datapad and type something. Thrawn’s portrait appears on-screen, his crimson eyes giving an inquiring look.

You’ve found the photograph in the ship’s personnel files and downloaded it so you could always take a look at him. You could sit there for hours and analyse his face, thinking about how it would feel to trace the lines on his forehead and on his cheeks. You still remember the softness of his skin since your handshake, and you imagine how he would gently brush over your body with his fingers and touch you in spots, where …

_Stop it!_, you chide yourself. _There’s no point in that. Thoughts like these will only make you unhappy because they’ll never be more than dreams and fantasies._

You try to suppress the demanding feeling in your lower abdomen and deactivate the datapad. Just in the right moment, because the door slides open and Jen enters the room.

“Hey, what’s up? Ready for tonight?”

You nod to her and hold up the datapad. “Sure, I just need to write my report.”

She sighs. “Right, I need to do that as well. But I’m certainly finished till evening, and then we’ll party hard!”

At about 2100 standard time you leave your quarters. You’ve put on your dress uniform because you were not quite sure if this was necessary or not. You haven’t been invited to the congratulations, but this was hardly surprising. You’ve only been aboard for a few weeks, and you don’t even know the guy who’s celebrating his birthday. The party would be open to everyone, but it’s likely that mainly younger crew members would attend it.

When you enter the leisure area, you already hear music. Of course, there are stricter rules than on ordinary parties. The guests have to leave until 3 a.m. current time, and the offer of alcoholic drinks is not very big. Nevertheless, you think it’s a nice attempt to bring a part of everyday life aboard the Star Destroyer.

Inside the facilities, Jen waves at some people she knew from the technology section, then she heads for the bar. You sit down, and while she’s ordering something to drink, you look around, searching for any familiar faces, but no one you know seems to be here. You take the glass with your drink she passes you, noticing the fruity scent, and take a sip. You don’t know exactly what it is, but you like the taste.

“Jenna!”, you suddenly hear someone calling your friend. You don’t recognise the voice immediately, but you already have a guess to whom it could belong to. You know that you were right once you hear Jen shouting “Korvyn!”. You turn around and see her hugging a young man and pressing a short kiss on his mouth. He puts an arm around her hips and gives you a small nod, then he turns towards the barkeeper. “I’ll pay for the ladies.”

You’re just about to explain that this isn’t necessary, when a new song starts. The rhythm is quite slow, it fits perfectly for a partner dance. Korvyn’s eyes light up. “Come on, let’s dance!” He pulls Jen towards the dance floor. She doesn’t try to resist, and all you get is an excusing glance while you remain at the bar alone.

_Great_, you think gloomily. _So much for spending time as friends._ You aren’t really mad at her, you’re actually glad for her that the relationship with Korvyn is going so well. But she promised you that you two would spend this evening together, and besides that, you are …

_What? Jealous? Because something like this would never happen with Thrawn and me?_ In moments like this you often wish that you would have never fallen in love with him. Then you could date any young officer and dance with him, one like the man over there, who’s looking over to you and is about to come closer, when suddenly …

“May I ask for a dance?” You hear a soft, calm voice behind you and immediately recognise it. You spin around because you don’t believe your ears, but your senses haven’t been deceiving you.

Grand Admiral Thrawn is standing there, holding out his hand, with the ghost of a smile on his lips, and gives you an inviting look. You need a few seconds to recollect yourself before you can answer.

“Yes – of course, Grand Admiral. I – I apologise, I just didn’t … expect you to be here.”

“There is no reason to be nervous”, he says softly. “I assume you know how to dance?”

“Y-yes”, you answer. As a teenager, you attended dance classes, so you don’t worry that much about your dancing skills. But you’re so nervous that you fear you might forget everything you know, and maybe step on his feet or do something else stupid.

Thrawn takes your hand and guides you to the dance floor. He pulls you closer towards him, and after the first few steps you realise that his dancing skills are in no way inferior to yours. His lead is wonderful, you hardly need to think about what you’re doing.

You’re now so close to him that you can feel the warmth of his body, and you resist the urge to just twine your arms around his neck and press yourself closer towards him. You try to distract yourself by wondering if there was anything Thrawn didn’t know how to do. _Of course_, you say yourself. _No one can know everything. Even Thrawn isn’t perfect … although he seems to be very close to._ You decide not to overthink this all, and instead just enjoy being near him, feeling his arms around you and smelling his pleasant scent.

As the last tones of the song fade away, Thrawn moves away from you. “I thank you for this dance. Good night, Lieutenant.” He inclines his head and turns around, and he’s gone as fast as he appeared, leaving you behind very confused.

You leave the party quite early, and on the way back to your quarters, Jen apologises countless times.

“Don’t worry, I’m not angry with you”, you reassure her. “Maybe this wouldn’t have happened if you stayed with me the whole time. To be honest, I didn’t expect him to even show up at the party.” Of course you’ve already told her everything about your dance with Thrawn.

“But still, what I’ve done was wrong”, she replies. “I promise you, this won’t happen again.”

“It’s alright”, you say. “You know that I’m very glad for you two.”

When you finally go to bed some time later, you suddenly notice that you’ve received a message on your datapad, and decide to quickly read it before you sleep. You tap the symbol and a text box opens.

_Lieutenant, I request you to come to my office after duty hours. There is something I need to talk about with you. Grand Admiral Thrawn_

Slowly, you put away the datapad. What’s that supposed to mean now?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, what's Thrawns purpose? You'll find out next time!
> 
> I honestly don't know if this chapter is good or not. Some things seem quite unrealistic the longer I think about them (I mean a party on a Star Destroyer?!), but on the other hand ... I imagine Thrawn being a pretty decent dancer, and I somehow wanted to put that in the story xD  
I also was veeery uncertain about the tenses this time, especially at the beginning, I'm sorry if I messed up anything. Anyway, I hope you like it, and by the way, thank you so much for in total 52 kudos on my works! You're great!


	3. The secret gets unveiled

_Lieutenant, I request you to come to my office after duty hours. There is something I need to talk about with you. Grand Admiral Thrawn_

When you awake on the next morning, the message is still here. So it hasn’t been your pure imagination, but you still don’t understand it. What could Thrawn want from you that he needs to talk to you in person, in his office? It’s true that you’ve been distracted many times within the last weeks – because of his stunning appearance –, but you promised Commodore Faro just yesterday that you could handle it.

You allow your thoughts to return to the previous evening. He suddenly came out of nowhere and asked for a dance. He locked you in his arms, and you were nervous, but also incredibly happy. It confused you a lot when he just disappeared afterwards, and you can’t escape the feeling that there was more behind his action.

You don’t tell Jen about the message, only mention that you might come back later because of your work. On your way to the bridge you try to calm down a bit and decide that you wouldn’t give Pyrondi a reason to admonish you today.

You manage to meet your own challenges and stay focused the whole day, even though Thrawn appeared on the bridge a few times, and Faro gave you an appreciating nod when you left the bridge some minutes ago.

Now you’re standing in front of Thrawn’s office. You had to look up the way in the ship’s map first because you’ve never had a reason to come here before. The door is unguarded, but of course closed. You take a deep breath before pressing the intercom’s pushbutton.

“This is Lieutenant (Y/N). I am here by command of Grand Admiral Thrawn, my order is to report in his office after duty hours.”

For a few seconds, absolutely nothing happens, then the door opens with a hissing sound. You swallow hard and step inside.

You enter a dim room. Along the walls, pedestals with small sculptures on them are set up, and you remember that somebody once mentioned Thrawn’s interest in art. You notice a closed door on your left, but ignore it and step forward to the actual office.

When you step through the doorframe you see that this room is also filled with various artworks; all kinds of sculptures, artefacts and paintings can be found here. Thrawn is standing with his back turned towards the entrance and is apparently looking at a small figurine, but as you step closer, he turns his head and waves you nearer.

“Lieutenant, it is good to see you. Come closer. What can you tell me about this?” He points at the sculpture.

You try to hide your confusion. _What’s that supposed to mean? I doubt he called me to talk about art with him._

You eye the sculpture more precisely. It’s made of white stone and shows a kneeling girl, but what surprises you is that you’re not unfamiliar with its kind.

“That’s from my home!”, you burst out. “I mean … figurines like this one were originally crafted on my home world. The culture who made them vanished long ago, that’s the reason why the _J’Umiki_ are so valuable. Families who possess one usually pass it down from generation to generation. Sadly, we don’t know what their original purpose was, but nowadays they are mostly seen as guardian spirits for the family and the house.”

“Hm. Very good.” Now Thrawn turns around to you completely. “It’s a good thing that you know your own history. If you don’t know yourself, you will be defeated in every battle you fight. But I haven’t called you in to tell you that.” He makes a step closer towards you, his glowing eyes piercing into yours.

“I’ve observed that you’re distracted very often while being on duty. You seem dreamy, your reactions are delayed. This behaviour occurs since your arrival at the _Chimaera_, and it is still increasing in strength. Incidents of this kind have never been mentioned in your personal file, on the contrary, you are described as an exemplary officer. Therefore, I assumed that the trigger for your absentmindedness must be here on this ship. Would you like to hear my theory?”

You feel a lump in your throat. _Do I want that?_ You manage to bring yourself to a hesitant nod. “Yes, Grand Admiral”, you utter with a thin voice.

“I supposed that a member of the bridge crew was responsible for your state of mind, most likely someone you had to do with personally. It didn’t take me long to realise it couldn’t be Pyrondi, therefore Commodore Faro and I myself were the ones left. However, during your conversation with Faro yesterday you appeared to be calm and composed, and I concluded that you might be afraid of me. Unfortunately, many Imperial officers punish their subordinates for making errors instead of giving them the opportunity to learn from these and do their task properly next time. But I needed a proof for my theory. I assume you know that I didn’t ask for a dance without purpose. I wanted to see your reaction.” So you’ve been right about that, Thrawn wouldn’t do anything without a reason.

“In doing so I noticed that your body temperature started to increase once you were near me. Being a Chiss, I have the ability to see parts of the infrared spectrum. You were nervous, but didn’t adopt a fearful or defensive attitude.” He pauses for a moment, you can almost feel his glance resting on you.

“I’ve studied humans for a long time. It seems to me that this behaviour is typical when you conceive a strong affection for someone, but don’t know how to show it or try to supress it. That’s why I’m asking you: Do you have feelings for me?”

_He knows it._

You feel your thoughts rush. What would he do with this knowledge? A terrible thought starts to form in your mind. What if he claimed your transfer to another ship, away from him, so that you couldn’t get distracted anymore? You feel how your eyes start filling with tears.

“I – yes, Grand Admiral. It’s true”, you answer without looking at him. There’s no point in lying, he would see through you anyway. “I’ve fallen in love with you. But I beg you, please don’t send me away! I can control my feelings! I know that they’ll never be reciprocated, but I want at least stay near you.” Your voice becomes louder and more frantic with every sentence, and you feel a tear rolling down your cheek. Your vision blurs, and you look down on the tips of your boots.

_Control my feelings, sure! He’ll totally believe me, now that I’m crying like a little baby._ Sobbing, you cover your face with your hands and try to stop weeping.

Suddenly, you feel a warm hand on your cheek. You look up in surprise and through the blur of tears you can see Thrawn, who wipes off your tears tenderly with his fingers. Reflexively you want to push him away, but luckily you manage to stop yourself.

“Calm down”, he murmurs softly, while he’s still stroking over your skin.

“Grand Admiral, I-I …” You try to say something, but you have no words. Your head feels like it was emptied. You have no idea of what you’re supposed say, you don’t even know what you _would like_ to say. Apologise for the embarrassing situation? Tell him how all of this could happen?

“Sshhh.” Gently but firmly he puts you to silence, and before you can do anything, he puts his arms around you and pulls you close towards him. Your head gets pressed against his upper body, and a shiver runs through you. You don’t know what to do, but when he makes no move to let go of you, you cautiously wrap your arms around him and lean against him.

You remain in this silent embrace for quite a while, and when he starts to rub your back with one hand in slow, circular movements, you manage to eventually calm your breath. You have no idea of how much time has passed when he finally speaks.

“It’s alright”, he whispers softly, and you can feel his chest vibrating while he talks, the fabric’s rubbing against your cheek. “I am thankful for your honesty. You don’t need to be afraid, I will not have you sent away.”

“You won’t?”, you ask doubtful. “But – “

“I’ve said _no_.” His voice gets a more severe tone. “You will stay with me, on the _Chimaera_. That is what you want, isn’t it?”

“I … yes”, you reply, a bit startled by his outburst.

For a while you both say nothing. You’ve managed to become more relaxed and by now you can even enjoy the closeness to him. He’s comfortably warm and emits this pleasant scent that you already noticed yesterday. When you eventually move apart, you’re almost a bit disappointed.

The crimson eyes scan your face, and you believe to spot the ghost of a smile around his mouth. “It is time for you to go. But I assume that you might want to wash your face before you leave?”

You nod, and he guides you towards a door which you haven’t seen previously, and it barely surprises you when he places his hand on your back while doing so.

Behind the door is a small, modestly furnished bathroom, and as you look into the mirror you see your reddened face, but luckily your eyes are not too puffy. You let the cool water run over your hands and rub your face, and it really helps to feel better.

When you turn around again, you suddenly notice some darker stains on Thrawn’s uniform and start to blush.

“Sir, your uniform … I’m afraid my tears have wetted it. I apologise.”

He brushes over the spots slowly, as if he was lost in thought. “Don’t worry. That’s going to dry.”

“But … I’m so sorry for all of this!” You throw your arms up in the air with a helpless gesture. “This whole situation … I acted so unprofessionally. I shouldn’t be allowed to serve on this ship!”

“Nonsense.” The fierceness in his voice frightens you, and you almost flinch when he clasps your hands. Where he’s touching you, your skin feels like it was set on fire. “You shouldn’t be so harsh with yourself.” As he continues talking, his voice becomes softer. “The ability to control one’s feelings is important, but there is a difference between controlling and suppressing. Ignoring your feelings might affect you in a negative way. I am glad that you’ve told me the truth, since thereby you’ve been able to come clean with yourself.”

_He’s right._ You can only guess how he knows it, but you feel somehow relieved since you’ve told him what you feel, as if a heavy burden has just fallen off you. You’re feeling a lot better, even though you don’t know what to think about his reaction.

“Yes, you’re right, sir”, you reply. “Am I dismissed?”

“You are.” Thrawn places his hands on your shoulders and guides you back to the entrance door.

“I will allow you to take a break if you want to. I can understand if you need some distance after this conversation.” He gives you one last glowing look before he closes the door.

You don’t tell Jen about what happened, you’re just too confused for a talk right now. When you’re finally lying in your bed this evening, you eventually recall the events of the past day.

You’re sure that Thrawn knew it all along, or at least assumed it. Nevertheless, he seemed to be a bit surprised. Not surprised that his theory was correct, but … about what exactly? That one of his officers fell in love with him? You can’t believe that this never happened before. He’s intelligent, handsome, polite …

_Stop it! Remember what Jen said! Not everyone sees it this way._ You try to keep to the point. What confused you the most was what has happened afterwards.

Of course, you didn’t expect him to laugh or yell at you, but most officers would just try to escape the embarrassing situation as fast as possible. Thrawn, on the other hand … _he gave you a hug_.

You try to project your thoughts on that moment. He locked you in his arms and pressed you against his chest. It seems so surreal to you because you would have never imagined him doing something that informal. This isn’t the cold, calculating Thrawn you’ve been used to know. Is it possible that he really likes you, maybe even more than that?

_That’s rubbish. Don’t get your hopes up._ You roll over in the bed and close your eyes. Maybe you should just follow his suggestion and take a vacation.

* * *

When you return to the _Chimaera_ one week later, you really feel better. In the end you followed Thrawn’s advice and took a break from your work. You used the time to visit your family, which was good because your sister turned twelve just some weeks ago and you could celebrate with her.

But you often thought of Thrawn. When you saw the holographic copy of a J’Umiki in your family home, you remembered the figurine in his office and wondered where he had gotten it from.

Despite these thoughts you feel more balanced and relaxed now, and as you return to your quarters, it nearly feels like all of this never happened. You unpack your suitcase and take a look on your datapad in order to see if it was charged for tomorrow. You notice that you’ve received a message, and, assuming that Jen has written to you, you tap it. A window pops up.

_Lieutenant, I hope you have had a pleasant vacation and are in the position to work as efficient as before. However, I need to talk to you another time. Something very important has become clear to me. Report in my office once you’ve returned. Grand Admiral Thrawn_

You need to sit down, your knees are trembling. You skim the text multiple times, still not able to believe what you’ve just read. _Not again …_

When you arrive at his office this time, a stormtrooper is guarding the door. You’ve decided to get over with this conversation as soon as possible because you have the feeling that it might become similarly awkward as last time. Of course, you’re happy every time you see Thrawn, but when you have to talk to him, your brain always feels like it’s been switched off. But delaying the talk wouldn’t help you with anything. You approach the trooper.

“Excuse me, I – “, you start, but the soldier interrupts you harshly.

“The grand admiral is still situated in the med bay. Come back in a few days.”

You blink in surprise. “Med bay? What happened to him?”

“Have you been asleep the last days? Everyone knows about this!”, the trooper snaps.

“Of course not!”, you reply slightly annoyed. You aren’t in need of being treated like this by a stormtrooper. “I was off duty last week and went to my home world. Please tell me what happened.”

The trooper sighs. “Fine. Grand Admiral Thrawn landed on a planet’s surface some days ago for an important meeting, but when they arrived, he and his company got attacked and he was seriously injured. However, the medi droids confirmed that he’ll fully recover.”

You barely hear the last sentence, the words _seriously injured_ are all you can think of. _I need to see him!_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally, chapter 3 ist finished! I'm sorry that it took so long, I had a lot of work to do. I've decided to change the layout a bit because I thought that it might be easier to read this way, I hope that's okay for you. I don't know if I'll be able to write another chapter this year, but if so, it might come out around Christmas.  
What do you think about about this chapter? I think it's my favourite one by now, Thrawn's just awesome💓


	4. Give and take

You barely perceive your environment as you dash through the ship’s long, grey corridors. You’ve only murmured a short “Thank you” to the stormtrooper before you’ve turned around and rushed off. Some crewmembers gaze after you with surprised expressions, but you ignore them. All you can think of at the moment is Thrawn.

Luckily the medical bay is considered one of the most important locations on a warship, and you’ve studied the different ways to get there so many times that you would know it in your sleep. As you turn the last corner, you try to slow down your steps and recover your breath. _Calm down_, you say yourself. _The trooper said that he’s all right, and you can’t help him anyway_.

The med bay’s door opens automatically as you approach it, and the woman at the reception looks up and eyes you sceptically.

“What can I do for you?”

“I need to speak to the grand admiral”, you say, trying to sound as if you weren’t out of breath. “He – ”

“I’m sorry, but this is not possible”, the receptionist cuts you short. “As you surely know, Grand Admiral Thrawn was involved in a serious incident and is still in the recovery phase. I cannot allow you to visit him.”

“But – ”

“Come off it, honey!”, she snaps at you. “We’re talking about a grand admiral! Do you think that any officer can just come in here and demand to see him? If it’s urgent, talk to the chief officer. Now get out!”

Angry and disappointed you leave the med bay. To be honest, you’ve already assumed that something like this would happen. It’s true that not everyone could just go and visit Thrawn, but for a short moment you’ve hoped that you would be allowed to see him anyway. _I’m just so worried about him …_

In different circumstances, you could’ve just enjoyed the day off, but the uncertainty about Thrawn’s condition makes you feel restless. In the end you go to the canteen, even though you aren’t really hungry. Now you’re sitting alone at a table with a glass of fruit juice. There are only two other people here, and you know neither of them. No surprise, most crew members are on duty, and the majority of them uses to eat together with friends and co-workers at mealtime.

As you are lost in thought, you don’t notice that someone’s calling your name, and you nearly jump out of your skin when you feel somebody tapping your shoulder. You spin around and catch sight of a young man who’s standing behind you, piercing blue eyes are looking at you.

“Hey, you are Jenna’s friend, right?”, the officer asks. “Sorry if I scared you, didn’t mean to.”

“Hello, Korvyn”, you say. “Don’t worry, I was just … thinking about something. What’s the matter?” You’re curious why he’s come to you, you’ve only changed a few words with him by now.

“I think I could need your help”, he answers. “You know … I like Jenna. I really, really like her. And I would like to gift her something to show her my love and to ask her if she would like to be my girlfriend. But I’m not sure what could be a good present. Have you got any ideas?”

You blink in surprise. “I thought you already were in a relationship?”

“Well … not really.” He blushes slightly. “We go out regularly, and also give each other hugs and small kisses, but we haven’t really talked about our relationship status yet.”

“Just ask her”, you suggest. “I’m sure she doesn’t expect to receive some expensive present from you, that’s not Jen. But if you want to make it somehow special, you could take her on a trip. Maybe the next planet we’re stopping off has got some nice countryside.”

“That’s a good idea”, Korvyn says happily. “Thank you very much!” He turns to go.

“Hold up!”, you shout as something comes to your mind. “I’d like to ask you something as well. You’re the only one who doesn’t call Jen by her nickname. Why not?”

“I don’t really know.” He shrugs his shoulders. “I just think Jenna is a beautiful name for a wonderful girl. By the way, do you have a boyfriend?”

You look up in surprise. “No, why do you ask?”

“Oh, no particular reason. I just remembered that a good friend of mine is also single and I think that you two would make a good couple.” He smiles. “Just tell me when I shall introduce you to each other.”

“Mhmm, yes, maybe”, you murmur. Korvyn’s offer is a nice gesture, but it doesn’t suit in your book in any way. You feel almost sorry for the unknown young man, if things were different you would have loved to get to know him, but since you’ve fallen for Thrawn, you know that you wouldn’t be happy with any other man, at least not at the time.

Korvyn leaves with a friendly “See you soon!”, and you remain alone at your table, staring gloomily into your glass. _Why does everything have to be so complicated?_

You don’t go back to the med bay another time, but instead stay in your quarters for the rest of the day. You continue reading the book _The Art of Warfare_, you’ve already planned to do that some day a long time ago. When Jen returns from her work, she finds you lying on your bed, your datapad and a bag of candy next to you.

“Welcome back!”, she shouts cheerfully. “It’s good to have you here again. Now come on, you have to tell me everything!”

You talk about the trip back to your home, about your family, your sister’s birthday and many other things. You keep the talk with Korvyn a secret, obviously, after all he wants to surprise her.

“Seems like a lot happened here as well”, you finish.

“Too right!”, she says. “You can’t imagine how glad I am that Korvyn isn’t part of the ground forces, heaven forbid if anything happened to him! Were you very worried about Thrawn when you heard of it?” She looks at you with curiosity.

“Yes, of course I was.” You feel the heat rise up in your face. “Who wouldn’t be worried if something like that happens to someone who means a lot to you?”

“There, there, he’ll be fine.” Luckily Jen doesn’t probe any further, and it seems that she’s also forgot to ask about your conversation with Thrawn last week. “Shall we go out for dinner now?”

Dinner passes of without any specific incidents, and while Jen is leaving the canteen together with Korvyn, you return to your quarters. Only a few minutes after you’ve closed the door behind you, you suddenly hear the doorbell beeping. You jump to your feet in surprise and open the door.

A young woman, perhaps two or three years older than you, is standing outside. “Good evening, are you Lieutenant (Y/N)?”

You nod. “Yes, that’s me.”

“Grand Admiral Thrawn wishes to speak to you as soon as possible. I shall deliver his order personally.” She hands you a small datapad and hunches her shoulders in an excusing gesture. “I’m afraid that I have no clue what he could want from you. Good luck.” She turns around and walks off swiftly while you eye the datapad in your hand. _This doesn’t sound good …_

The receptionist is apparently not very happy to see you again.

“I’ve already told you that I can’t allow you to see the grand admiral”, she says annoyed. “And visiting hours are over anyway.”

“Just a moment”, you say, zealous to give your voice a determined sound. “I’ve received an order from Grand Admiral Thrawn personally. He wishes to speak to me immediately.”

The woman takes the datapad you hold out very reluctantly, and after reading it, she sighs. “All right. But you will leave at once if he needs to rest.” She beckons a nurse. “Take the lieutenant to the grand admiral’s room.”

The nurse guides you past the ordinary sections and rooms to a more secluded part of the med bay. Of course, a grand admiral doesn’t have to share his room with others but can enjoy a little more comfort and privacy. The nurse eventually stops in front of a closed door. “Here it is. You can go inside, if he needs anything, just press the emergency button.” She proceeds to go back to her work, and you take a deep breath and open the door.

The room is softly lit, and Thrawn is lying in the only bed. His eyes are closed, and he doesn’t seem to notice you as you step nearer. In place of his neat, pristine white uniform he’s wearing one of those typical wide hospital shirts, and you’re not able to avoid noticing his strong chest muscles beneath the thin fabric. However, you also note a bandage that is apparently wrapped around his shoulder and protruding from his neck.

You pull up a visitor’s chair next to the bed and sit down, uncertain about what you should do now. Thrawn is apparently asleep, and you don’t think that some no-name lieutenant like you could dare to wake him up. _And I thought he wanted to see me immediately …_

A sudden movement catches your attention. Thrawn has slightly turned his head and mutters something in a language you don’t understand. His facial features are relaxed, and he shows a peaceful expression on his handsome face. His voice also sounds calm as he carries on talking in the foreign language, and even though you’re sure that you’ve never heard it anywhere before, it sounds beautiful to you.

“Thrawn – Grand Admiral?”, you ask quietly. Perhaps the talking is a sign that he would wake up at any moment.

Again, soft murmurs, but this time you’re able to pick out a familiar word, although you can’t believe it at first. You listen more carefully and realise you’ve been right. He’s saying _your name_. Could it be possible that he’s dreaming about _you_?

As if by reflex, you reach out and lightly brush your fingers against his. “I’m here”, you murmur.

Suddenly, as if he had heard you, Thrawn casts up his eyes, and his hand clasps yours. His crimson gaze darts around in the room until it comes to rest upon you.

“You’re here”, he says. “I apologise for my temporary unresponsiveness. Apparently, the painkillers are not without side effects.”

“No, no, it’s all right”, you assure him. “That’s not your fault. How are you doing?”

“As good as can be expected under the circumstances, but I’m on the mend.” His face adopts a more severe attitude. “My company and I were apparently targeted by an extremist rebel group. Fortunately, they weren’t trained gunmen, but only civilians without proper basic training. Their attack was rather chaotic, and many of them still had inhibitions about pulling the trigger. Although a few shots found their target, no one got critically injured.” He points at his right shoulder. “I was hit when I pulled one of the men out of the line of fire.”

“That was … very brave”, you say. “Not many officers would have done something like this for one of their subordinates.”

He raises his eyebrows. “A commanding officer is responsible for his troops and has to earn their trust and respect. I have to admit that some aspects of the Imperial hierarchy are still an enigma to me.”

“Yes, I’ve read about that”, you tell him. “In the book _The Art of Warfare_, I suppose you know it?”

“Needless to say, I do. May I ask at which chapter you currently are?”

“Chapter six”, you answer. “_Treatment of subordinates_, how fitting. But I thought you wanted to speak to me?”

“That can wait until I recovered.” He releases your hand – which you’ve almost forgot he’s been holding the whole time – , makes a dismissive gesticulation and attempts to grab his datapad which is lying on the bedside table, but makes a pained face as he leans over. You get there first and hand him the pad.

“Thank you.” He gives you a surprisingly warm glance, then types something. “Ah, here we have it. Chapter six. Come, sit down.”

He moves over and pats the mattress. You freeze.

“Sir, what – I’m sorry, but I’m afraid I don’t understand …”

“I thought we could turn this into a little lecture in strategy. Don’t be frightened, I have no intention to do anything you don’t want.”

Hesitantly you sit down at the edge of the bed and lie down. Once he’s sure that you’ve made yourself comfortable, he turns his attention toward the datapad and starts reading. “Subordinates. Treated as puppets by many, yet they are the ones who often decide on victory or defeat …”

You don’t really listen to what he’s reading out, but for the first time you notice consciously how much you love his voice. His soft, articulate way of speaking is one of the many things that attract you to him, and he could read a cake recipe, you still would enjoy it.

Without doing it on purpose, you move closer towards him until you can lean your head against his chest. He doesn’t seem to mind, only gives you a little smile. The combination of his enjoyable body warmth and his low, smooth voice makes you feel comfortable, and after a short time you drift off to sleep.

“Time to wake up, _ch’eo bat vn’inen’i_.” You jerk as you hear his voice right beside your ear, his lips almost brushing over your skin. You blink sleepily.

“Did … did I fall asleep? I apologise, I’m afraid I couldn’t learn much in this lecture.”

“No apology needed”, he whispers, his breath gently tickling your neck. It seems that you’ve huddled up to him even closer while sleeping, and as a reaction, he’s put an arm around you and held you tight. “You’ve been asleep for approximately an hour. I didn’t want to wake you, but it is time to return to your own quarters.”

He releases you and you rise from the bed, still a little sleepy. “I guess I’ll be going then. Get well soon, Grand Admiral.” You don’t know anything else to say and start walking towards the door.

“It’s Thrawn”, he says, and you turn around again. “Excuse me?”

“No titles are necessary when we’re alone. Call me Thrawn.”

“If you wish so … Thrawn. May I ask one last question? What was it you were saying in that other language?”

He offers a small laugh. “That’s a good question. For the next time. Good night, Lieutenant.” “Good night, Thrawn.” You stumble out the door. As you’re standing in the hallway, you rub your eyes and think about what has just happened inside the room. Has this been another one of his tests?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ch'eo bat vn'inen'i - my beautiful girl
> 
> And chapter four's out!! It actually didn't take me a long time to write it down, but the translation was a bit of a challenge this time and I don't really know why xD (it hasn't been difficult or anything - just took very long)  
If you have any suggestions for things that could happen in the story, please tell me, I'll see if I can somehow integrate them (no promises though) :)  
Also thank you so so much for more than 1000 hits and 105 kudos altogether, I'd never have thought to reach these numbers in such a short time! I hope you enjoyed the chapter, I don't know when the next one will come out, but I guess in about a month or so maybe :D (ok and know I'm going to bed, it's nearly 6am here - help me xD)


	5. Disillusion

Fortunately, Thrawn recovered quickly from his injuries, and about a week later he’s already back to his duties as commander of the Seventh Fleet. Of course, there are some indications that he hasn’t regained his full strength yet, he comes to the bridge less often than usual, and if he does so, mostly only to be given a general report from Commodore Faro. It strucks you that his unfathomable gaze keeps falling upon you because although you’re always doing your job conscientiously, this doesn’t stop you from throwing enamoured glances on the Chiss as long as nobody notices.

This time you already expect that you would sooner or later receive a message from him, and you aren’t met with disappointment. You’re just sitting at your desk working on a report when the indicator for a new message lights up on your datapad.

_Report to my office at 2000 standard time. Perhaps I can answer some of your questions._

“Hey, wanna hang out together this evening?”, asks Jen while standing in front of the mirror brushing her hair. “I heard that there will be a games night. Korvyn and some of his friends will be there too, and who knows, maybe you’ll meet some handsome guy.” She grins at you.

“Sorry, I can’t make it today.” You lift up the datapad. “Command from the very top. Thrawn wants to see me.”

Jen arches her brows. “Again? You’ve been at his office _suspiciously_ often lately. Why does he always want to see you off-duty? Or could it be possible that you two are … having a different kind of fun together?”

You feel your face turn bright red. “Of course not! He … just wants me to tell him more about a certain piece of art. You know he collects all kind of things.” You’ve regained your composure because you’ve come up with a livesaving explanation. “He’s got a J’Umiki in his collection, a traditional mojo from my homeworld, and it’s of most use to him to receive information about it from someone who has first-hand experience with this culture. I’m supposed to tell him about its history and its meaning to my people, that’s all.”

“Hm.” Jen mutters something to herself and you’re quite sure that she doesn’t really believe you. She puts the hairbrush back on the dresser and makes a dismissive gesture. “It’s okay, I’ve already stood you up for Korvyn as well. But you can tell Thrawn that as your friend I’m just as entitled to spend time with you.”

After dinner Jen and Korvyn set off for the leisure facilities with some other people while you make your way to Thrawn’s office.

“Have fun with your Grand Admiral”, she whispers with a grin, far enough away from the others so that they couldn’t hear what she was saying.

“He’s not _my_ – ” You cut it short because she doesn’t hear it any more.

By now it’s almost normal for you to stand in front of his door, but you’re quite sure that you’re one of very few people. No one of your rank and experience has so much to deal directly with the commander. You activate the intercom and give your name, and only a few seconds later the door opens. This time, Thrawn is already waiting for you at the end of the corridor, and you believe to see a smile flutter across his face when you enter. You cross the hall quickly and salute to him.

“I’m here, as requested, Grand Admiral.”

“Good evening, (Y/N). No formalities needed, this is considered a personal matter. Please take a seat.” He points to his desk and you sit down on one of the chairs. To your surprise he doesn’t take his seat behind the table, but the one opposite yours, which means that there’s nothing in between to separate you.

“You have many questions for me, don’t you?”, he starts and gives you an inquiring look from his glowing eyes.

“Yes …” You look away in slight embarrassment, the fact that he knows exactly about your feelings for him is everything but helpful. “Lately there happened many things I don’t understand.”

“Well, I think you deserve an explanation. But first I’d like _you_ to answer a question. Why did you … develop feelings for me?”

You feel yourself blushing slightly. “Um, this is … a little hard to explain. When humans fall in love, it’s not a rational or logical decision they make. It just … happens, and you can’t do anything about it. There are many reasons; looks, character, or simply how the other person treats you. Most of the time it’s a mixture of these factors and others as well. When I saw you on my first day on the _Chimaera_, it … was suddenly there.”

You’re about to continue talking when you’re interrupted by a metallic voice. “Sir? It’s time for your treatment.”

You turn your head and see a medical droid standing in the doorway, carrying a shiny silver tray with a tube on it. Thrawn beckons the droid over and takes the tray from its hands. “I can handle it myself, you can leave.”

“I’m sorry, sir, but I have to remind you that you’re not capable of performing the treatment yourself. You need assistance.”

“Which I already have”, Thrawn replies. “I don’t need you right now.”

“As you wish, sir.” The droid leaves the office, and Thrawn turns towards you. “You don’t mind helping me, do you?”

“No, no, of course not, sir – Thrawn”, you answer hastily. You don’t really understand why he doesn’t want the droid to help him, but you’ve already heard a couple of times that some people have an aversion to medical treatment performed by machines. Maybe Thrawn is one of them.

“There is no need for you to be worried, it’s not difficult.” Thrawn places the tray on the desk and takes the tube. “This ointment is intended to support wound healing, it simply needs to be applied on the affected skin area. The problem is that haven’t yet regained my full range of motion to do this myself.”

You nod obediently, but the meaning of his words only becomes clear to you when the Chiss starts to unbutton the pristine white jacket of his uniform. _He’s not going to undress in front of me now, is he?_

But this is exactly what he’s doing. He hangs the jacket neatly over the back of his chair, and you feel the heat rise to your face as you look at his upper body. It’s hardly visible beneath the thick fabric, but he has quite well-trained arms, and when he slips out of his black undershirt, you also notice his prominent chest muscles.

You swallow imperceptibly as he’s standing in front of you like this, only half-dressed, and a smouldering sensation starts to grow in your core. You think of how you would trace the defined lines with your fingers, slowly wandering downwards with your hand, and at last unbutton his trousers …

_No, stop it!_ You try to banish the certainly not so innocent thoughts, your cheeks feel like they’re burning. You remember that Chiss are able to see infrared radiation, which makes the whole situation even worse.

“Is this another one of your ‘tests’?” You can’t take your eyes off his bare torso, his incredible attractiveness has caught you. He’s been doing that _constantly_ in the past weeks, teasing you with strange insinuations and thereby breaking through your reserve, even though you tried hard to ignore your affection for him.

“Very good. You learn to recognise patterns.” Thrawn is standing there calmly, his hands clutched behind his back in his typical posture, his unfathomable gaze focused on you.

“Why?” It’s the only word you manage to get out while hesitantly approaching him, and he doesn’t answer immediately.

“I promised you answers, and you shall have them”, he says when you finally stand only a few steps before him. He points to the tray with the tube on it. “During my treatment.”

_This blue bastard is driving me crazy!_ Even as you’re thinking the sentence over, you’re already annoyed by yourself again. Isn’t this what you actually want? To be alone with him, preferably without clothes? _Yes, but why is he acting like this?_

You put the thought off until later and reach out to grab the cure. It appears to be a bacta ointment for supporting wound healing, as Thrawn has already explained. You squeeze a drop of it into your open hand and approach him.

“This might feel a bit unpleasant now”, you warn him. “Unfortunately, bacta tends to burn or sting on injured skin.”

“No problem”, Thrawn replies. He keeps a close eye on you as you start to carefully apply the blueish-green gel to his shoulder. His blue skin feels warm and soft under your fingertips as you make gentle strokes, but in order for the bacta to take effect, you have to massage it deep into the wounds. Thrawn inhales sharply due to the increased pressure, it sounds almost like a hiss.

“I’m sorry”, you murmur and look away. “Maybe it would help if you would stand more relaxed, not always so stiff with the hands behind your back.”

He arches an eyebrow. “Would _this_ be more to your liking?” Before you can do anything, he places his hands on your hips, depriving you the opportunity to move away from him. He is toying with you again. Your skin is burning under his touch, but you also feel the heat radiating from him. By now you’ve already noticed that he seems to have a certainly higher body temperature than humans. And he’s close to you, so close …

The realisation that you would only have to lift your head slightly to press your lips on his is agonising, and the enamoured, thoughtless part of your mind is screaming. _Go on, do it! That’s what you want so badly, isn’t it?_

But you can’t, the consequences would be severe. If you came physically close to him like that, your career in the fleet would be over in no time. Thrawn would be extremely disappointed due to your loss of control, and would have you transferred you to a different post. Theoretically, he could even accuse you of sexual harassment, even though you don’t think he would.

You can’t go that far yet, but you have to do _something_, so you press yourself closer to him and lean your head against his chest, which after all didn’t bother him the last time. He seems to be mildly surprised just for a short moment and locks you up in his arms. His cerulean skin feels smooth under your cheek, and you notice that Chiss apparently have much less body hair than humans.

“Why are you doing this?”, you whisper. “You know about my feelings. What is your purpose?”

Thrawn gently separates from you to look you straight in the eye before taking your hands.

“You humans have certain habits and characteristics that I still don’t understand completely, despite my long time in the Empire”, he says slowly. “There are aspects of the human psyche that I haven’t been able to decipher until now. I wanted to find out more about emotions, affection, love. How human relationships work. That you were transferred to the _Chimaera_ and developed feelings for me was … a fortunate coincidence.”

_So I’m just serving as a guinea pig. I mean nothing to him, he’s only using me for his human studies._ You can feel anger building up inside you, but your disappointment and sorrow are even greater. Although you had been knowing that it was pure wishful thinking, you secretly hoped that he feels something for you. Your eyes start to fill with tears, and you’ve got a lump in your throat.

“I understand”, you press out. “We should go on.”

Thrawn says nothing, only raises an eyebrow in question while you take more of the bacta and cover his wound with it. You apply the ointment to the injured skin with mechanical movements and as you’re done, you hand him his clothes and even help him to get dressed again.

“Would you like to wash your hands?”, Thrawn asks after he’s buttoned his jacket. “You surely remember where the bathroom is.”

“No, thanks. I should probably go now”, you reply in a stifled voice. Thrawn tilts his head slightly.

“You are suddenly upset. What’s wrong? I thought you wanted to ask me questions.”

“It’s fine, okay? I understand that I’m just a test subject for your studies.” Your voice sounds angrier than intended, and you quickly try to talk normally again. “I just wish you would have told me that right away.”

With this you turn around and rush, no, you almost run towards the exit. You hear Thrawn calling your name, but ignore him and hammer on the door control. As soon as the door opens, you dash out, down the hall and back to your quarters.

A few troopers and officers look at you in confusion as you pass by, your hand thrown over your face to cover the tears, but no one stops you to ask questions. Arriving at your door, you laboriously fumble the code cylinder out of your pocket, hoping that no one familiar would come around just now and see you like this. Finally you manage to get the door open and stumble into the room.

Jen is obviously still at her games night, since you’re alone, but this is actually more than convenient at the moment. Using the last of your strength you pull the boots off your feet and climb onto your bed where you can finally allow your tears to run free.

_Why of all people did I have to fall in love with the man who seems to have no feelings at all?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Uhh, and here we have the drama! I think Thrawn owes someone an excuse ...  
This chapter took me a veeery long time (thanks writer's block :/), but now it's finally here and by now I'm quite satisfied with it. I kept changing a lot of things though, so I hope I haven't overseen any mistakes. As always, thank you very much for all the kudos and lovely comments, and by the way sorry not sorry for the cliffhanger xD


	6. Restart

When you wake up the next morning, you want nothing more than just pull the blanket over your head again and sleep on. After you wept yourself out yesterday, you only went to the bathroom for a makeshift wash and changed your clothes before going to bed. You haven’t sleep well at all because you’ve already known what the next morning would bring: You have to go on duty, which means that you would encounter Thrawn.

You don’t know how you’re ever going to face him again. Of course, his words have hurt you, for deep down you’ve always hoped that he would feel something for you, and yet … there has been something about his voice when he called after you. Even though you mean no more to him than other officers aboard, he’s never had any bad intentions. He always treats the crew politely and justly. _And I just ran away._

Jen, who’s standing in front of the mirror and buttoning her uniform, immediately notices that something is wrong with you.

“(Y/N), what happened?” She walks over to you and gently grabs you at the shoulders. “You look terrible.”

“It’s alright”, you murmur. Actually, you would like to tell her everything, just to unburden your heart to someone, but it would take forever to explain everything from the beginning, and you don’t have much time before your shift starts.

“Was it Thrawn?”, she asks, arching her brows. “Did he do anything inappropriate? If so, he better prepare himself.”

“What? No, no.” You shake your head vigorously. “He didn’t do anything to me. There was just a … misunderstanding.”

Jen gives you a worried look. “There’s more to it than that, isn’t it? Do you want to talk about it? I know I haven’t had much time recently, but … I’m here for you.”

“Thank you.” You lightly squeeze her forearm. “I think talking about it would probably be helpful. But not now, not yet. Besides, we have to go on duty anyway.”

“I get it.” She smiles at you. “Don’t worry, I don’t want to put you under pressure. We’re friends, after all.”

Jen’s words lift your spirits for a short time, but when you enter the bridge you feel a lump in your throat again. A short look across the bridge tells that Thrawn isn’t here yet, and you puff out air in relief. But that would surely not last forever.

You climb down into the crew pit, settle down on your chair and nod to Pyrondi, who’s already typing on her datapad.

“Good morning, Lieutenant.” She gives you a friendly look, but seems to notice immediately the something is wrong. “Are you all right?”

“I’m fine, thank you, Senior Lieutenant. Nothing to worry about.” You’re sure that she means well for you, but can’t talk about it with her, and to be honest, you also don’t really want to talk to her right now.

“I understand. Lovesickness?”

“Mmh, something like that.” _But you’ll never guess who’s the one to blame for it._

“Then I hope that everything will be all right again soon.” She gives you a warm smile, which you return cautiously. “But for now, we should focus on our service to the Empire.”

You return your attention to the screen in front of you and start to check the laser batteries. If there are any malfunctions somewhere or maintenance is required, you would have to report this to the technical department, but luckily everything seems to be in order and you’re able to do some target practice without problems. Although the _Chimaera_ hasn’t been involved in any battles recently, the ship has to be fully operational and ready to fight at any time, according to Thrawn’s order.

_Thrawn. What even is this between us? He knows what I feel for him, but I can’t believe that he really wants to take advantage of me for his studies. There must be more to it than that._

You’re so immersed in your work and thoughts that you don’t even hear the approaching steps. Only when you hear the familiar velvety voice you look up. Thrawn is standing on the walkway, his eyes seem to glow even more intensely than usual.

“Lieutenant? May I speak to you privately for a moment?”

“Of course, sir”, you answer quickly and jump up from your chair. You look over to Pyrondi, who nods to you silently, and climb out of the crew pit. Thrawn points you to follow him and leads you away from the bridge.

No sooner you’ve left the bridge than he gently places a hand on your shoulder and guides you towards a small, unremarkable door. The room behind is obviously unused, it’s empty except for a few cargo boxes, and there’s only dim light. Thrawn closes the door up to a gap so that it wouldn’t get completely dark before turning around towards you. His eyes contrast strongly with the darkness, it almost seems that they emit a soft light.

“I think you deserve an apology”, Thrawn begins. “I am sorry about this unpleasant incident that happened yesterday. I have realised that my words must have hurt you. This has never been my intention.”

“I … it’s all right. I’ve resigned myself to it.”

“I think you misunderstand.” He looks at you with a strange expression. “What I am trying to say is that you are not a test subject to me. I didn’t want to give you the feeling that you mean nothing to me. Could …” He hesitates, his glowing eyes fixed on you. “Could we start over?”

_Wait, is Thrawn really asking_ me_ to give_ him_ a second chance?_

“Y-yeah, I mean, yes, of course.” You’re not able to bring off a proper sentence. Though he’s hid it well, Thrawn has almost looked embarrassed while asking your forgiveness. The thought that you could actually have such an impact on his behaviour isn’t easy to process, but at the same time you’re also incredibly relieved. _He isn’t angry with me._

“I guess my reaction was a little hasty, too. I should have considered that, as you’ve said before, you don’t know that much about human emotions.”

“Then I suppose we can chalk this up as a resolved misunderstanding”, Thrawn says, the tension has faded from his voice. “But I have also wanted to see you for another reason. I have been wondering if you could perhaps give me a better understanding of the human emotional world, well, the human feelings … only if you agree with that, of course.”

“So … you want me to teach you about feelings?”, you ask.

“That is one way to put it”, he replies, with the same self-confidence as always. “I think I should improve my knowledge of human nature, and since you obviously like being around me, I thought you would be a good choice.”

_Yeah, but then I always act like an idiot._ You blush and look away, but still feel his gaze on your skin. You surely glow like fire in his infrared vision.

“Okay, I’ll do it”, you finally say. If this is your chance to spend more time with him, you have to take it. You can’t deny it, you’re still completely in love with Grand Admiral Thrawn, and there’s nothing you can do about it.

“Thank you.” Thrawn bows his head slightly and walks past you towards the door. “I will contact you when it is time for our first lesson. I am sure you understand that I don’t intend to draw too much attention, so I ask you to handle this matter with the appropriate discretion.”

“Of course, Gr- – Thrawn .” You remember the rule he has set. _No titles when we are alone._ You don’t quite understand why this secrecy is necessary, though. Does he fear for his reputation if it becomes public that he knows less about humans than everyone thought? Or that he would be accused of having an affair because a woman is with him regularly? But it’s fine with you, you don’t have many people you could tell about it anyway.

“Very well. We should get back to the bridge now. I am sure that we both have work to do.”

* * *

It takes about a week until you receive another message from Thrawn. You’re just on the way back to your quarters when your datapad announces a new message with a beeping sound.

_Report to my private quarters at 1900, informal wear is acceptable. A file with directions is attached. Thrawn_

You open the enclosed map and wonder why he suddenly sees a need to explain how to get there when it dawns on you. _His private quarters. Not his office._

Jen isn’t there when you enter your room a few moments later, and you remember that she’s on a late shift today. After the routine shower you stand in front of your dresser, and for the first time in a long while, you have problems on deciding what to wear. According to the message, the casual clothing for crewmembers – a short- or long-sleeved shirt and trousers, both in plain grey – is fine too, but in the end you go for your uniform after all. Wearing it gives you a little bit of the feeling of security when you’re to face one of the highest-ranking officers in the Empire, and besides that, the free time clothing is truly the exact opposite of attractive.

After that, however, you’ve still got about an hour left, and you don’t know what to do with it. You open the map several times and try to memorise the way, skim a few pages in _The Art of Warfare_, but you can’t really concentrate on any activity. Are you nervous about the meeting with Thrawn?

Finally, at half past six, you can’t withstand any longer. You lock the door and set off, trying to walk slowly. You would definitely arrive way too early, but you can’t just sit still and do nothing.

After some time, you reach a section of the ship you’ve never seen before. The quarters of the senior officers are located here, and there’s never been a reason for you to come here. The corridors are a lot less busy, and the steps of your boots echo from the walls. Apart from a mouse droid you encounter no one, fortunately, because otherwise they would surely have asked questions about your business here.

Finally, you stand in front of the right door, but of course you’re still too early. Nervously you shift from one foot to the other, you don’t want to stand so exposed in the hallway for too long, the risk that someone would come around by accident and see you is very high. Your hand is almost a little shaky when you press the intercom.

“Lieutena- … I mean, it’s me. I’m here”, you say, and after a few seconds, the door opens automatically. You can’t see Thrawn anywhere when you enter the small anteroom, so he presumably activated it by remote control. The first thing you notice now is the smell. _It smells like … food?_ You suddenly notice how hungry you actually are, and only now you realise that it is the time when they usually serve dinner in the canteen.

You walk on, and the view opens up to a spacious living room with a large sofa, a holotable and a bookshelf which actually contains books made of paper. One wall is occupied by a gigantic window façade that offers a breath-taking view of space, and of course there are artworks everywhere. Further to the right you spot a dining table and a modern kitchen. And Thrawn is standing there, also still wearing his uniform, and he turns his head slightly as he greets you with a nod. “Good evening, (Y/N). You are early.”

“Good evening to you too, Thrawn. I hope it’s not a problem that I’m already here.”

“Oh, not at all. You may sit down if you like. I will be done in a few minutes.”

“Thank you.” You approach the table and obediently sit down on one of the six chairs. Dishes are already prepared, but only for two people opposite each other. You have nothing better to do, so you look around further and spot another two doors that probably lead to Thrawn’s bathroom and his bedroom. An apron is hanging on the wall next to him and you have to suppress a grin. _I wonder if he was wearing that before I came._

Just as he’s said, Thrawn switches off the stove a short time later and carries a steaming pot over to the table, then a pan. When everything’s ready, he brings a bottle of wine, pours some in both your glasses and sits down.

“I hope you enjoy your meal.”

Thrawn serves you the food and a surprised gasp escapes you.

“That is … one of our traditional dishes! Well, one from my homeworld, I mean. Have you done research on my people?”

“Exactly”, he answers. “Fried meat with dumplings and the typical sauce. I hope it is acceptable, I haven’t known it before.”

“I didn’t know you could cook”, you say, immediately regretting the words. “I mean, not that I thought you wouldn’t be able to, but …”

A mischievous smile appears on his face. “My skills are not limited to military matters.”

You blush slightly and lower your eyes. “I’m sorry.”

“It is all right. Very few people would expect that from me. In fact, no one.”

For the next minutes nobody speaks, you both focus on the delicacies on your plates. Still, you watch Thrawn the whole time. As with everything he does, his facial expressions and gestures, even while eating, are measured and self-confident, and he has perfect table manners. Not that you don’t have these, but he just looks so … majestic, and there is that certain something about his whole appearance that very few people can call their own.

_I didn’t expect him to be able to cook. He’s so incredibly talented, not to mention intelligent, extremely handsome, polite …_ You could go on with this list forever, but a curious look from Thrawn jolts you out of your daydreams, and you hastily concentrate on your meal again.

“It’s really delicious”, you finally say when your plate is almost empty. “It tastes a little different from the one my mother always makes at home, but I guess she has some other secret ingredient or something.”

“I am pleased to hear that”, Thrawn says. “I knew that I wouldn’t be able to exactly replicate it, but I am glad you like it.”

When you’re both finished, he gets up and starts clearing the dishes, while you remain sitting there a little indecisively.

“Is there anything I can help you with?”

“No need”, he replies. “You are my guest. But you can make yourself comfortable in the meantime.” He points to the sofa, and you remember why you’re here in the first place. _I’m supposed to teach him something._

You comply to his request and drop down on the sofa, and after he’s finished with tidying up the kitchen, Thrawn sits down next to you. In his hands he’s holding the J’Umiki that you’ve already seen in his office.

“Where did you get it?”, you ask the question that’s been on your mind for quite some time. “J’Umiki are usually very valuable to their owners and can’t be bought easily. You haven’t had it stolen, have you?” The thought hurts, you don’t want to believe that Thrawn would resort to such means for his interest in art.

“No, of course not.” Thrawn’s gaze is resting on the sculpture. “I purchased it from a merchant. I don’t know exactly, however, where he has gotten it from. I have no intention of stealing, but especially with artworks from people hostile to the Empire, I can only get hold of confiscated items.” He sighs. “To be honest, I have never thought about if I offend people by collecting their art.”

“It’s all right”, you murmur, and before you can do anything about it, you place your hand on his. “I know that your collection is important to you. After all, with you, the works are appreciated by someone, and you know their meaning. For others, they would serve merely as trophies or ornaments.”

He smiles, that narrow, barely visible smile that is so typical of him as he places the J’Umiki on the table in front of the sofa. “I thank you for your understanding.”

For some time, you’re both silent, you’re lost in your thoughts and it takes you a while to realise that Thrawn is still holding your hand, massaging it tenderly with his elegant fingers. _He’s always so … gentle when we’re alone. So very different from the cold, calculating grand admiral on the bridge._

Now you notice for the first time that he’s somehow changed within the last weeks. Since you’ve told him the truth about your feelings, to be exact. You can’t really explain what’s different, but you know that it’s there.

“Shall we begin now? With our lesson, I mean?”, you finally ask.

Thrawn slightly raises one eyebrow. “Of course. That is, after all, the reason you are here.”

“So …” You hesitate, unsure how to start. It’s weird to talk about this topic, especially with your superior, who you’re in love with. And who, in addition to that, perfectly knows about it.

“May I ask something?”, Thrawn relieves you of the awkward situation. “You were very upset at the end of our last meeting, and this was my fault. Did this affect your feelings for me in any way?”

You feel your cheeks turning red. “N-no, of course not. I mean, yes, I was angry at first, but … you know: If you really love someone, you can overlook things like that. Besides, you didn’t intend to be rude or anything, and you apologised shortly after. It was just a small misunderstanding.” _Oh stars, am I literally telling him how madly I’m in love with him?_

“I see.” Thrawn thoughtfully tilts his head. You take the moment to regard his profile, the bright, glowing red eyes, the even nose, his narrow lips. To you he’s the epitome of masculinity, and sometimes your heart still starts beating faster when you watch him so intensely.

“So, feelings affect the way a person thinks, and thereby the way they act?”

“Yes, often it’s like that”, you say. “But it’s a different experience for everyone, and it doesn’t necessarily have to be a bad thing. It can lead to embarrassing situations, though.”

“Hmm.” Thrawn seems to be still lost in thought, but as he locks his fingers with yours, your heart misses a beat. His blue skin colour is a fascinating contrast to your own skin, you think as you look down on both your hands. You’re again so close to him that you feel the heat radiating from his body.

“Apparently it can also lead to the effect that one fails to see the obvious”, he murmurs.

“W-what are you trying to point out?”, you ask with confusion, but only a smile flits across his features, so inconspicuous that you’re not even sure if it really was there.

“I have definitely learned a lot today, and I thank you for that. Now I would like to return the favour.” With his free hand he reaches for the datapad that is lying on the table. “_The Art of Warfare_. We were at chapter six, I believe.”

_We barely talked at all._ You’re about to make an objection, but think better of it. The conversation would just get awkward again. “Actually, I’m already at chapter nine.”

“Oh, that doesn’t matter”, Thrawn replies. “A revision is always good.” He starts reading, with his soft, alluring voice, and you try to get a little closer to him without him noticing. He lets go of your hand now and instead puts it around your waist to pull you closer. You gasp silently in surprise, but after some hesitation lean against his broad chest.

You’re no longer feeling nervous, but rather calm and secure, sitting there and … cuddling with Grand Admiral Thrawn. _Why does he allow that? And even encourages me to get so close to him? All this can’t be just because of his curiosity and interest in human feelings._

Fortunately, you don’t fall asleep this time, but listen to Thrawn more or less attentively. To be honest, you rather enjoy the sound of his voice than actually paying attention to the topic he’s reading about. When the chapter is over and he puts away the datapad, you feel wonderfully calm and relaxed inside.

Thrawn takes your hand again, his fingers gently stroke over your skin. He looks at you, as if he was waiting for something, but before you get what it could be, he turns his head away to look at the chrono on the wall.

“I am afraid you have to go now, _ch’eo visot_”, he whispers before he rises elegantly and helps you standing up before leading you to the door.

“I thank you for coming. I am sure we are going to repeat this soon.” He opens the door. “You may go, Lieutenant.” And there he is again, the grand admiral as everyone knows him.

On the way back to your quarters you repeat the situation in your mind. You’ve been so close to him _again_, and he obviously hasn’t had a problem with that, actually quite the contrary. _I should just have taken the chance and kissed him, to hell with the rules. Or should I?_

You don’t know what to think or do any more. It’s just as Thrawn has concluded. You feel torn between your feelings and your rationality, and Thrawn’s new behaviour brings more questions than answers. You’re afraid to move on because you fear the consequences, the great disappointment, but at the same time you hate yourself for not daring to take the next step.

Still busy with your thoughts, you open the door. Where an apparently angry Jen is already waiting for you.

“Alright”, she starts. “And you’re going to tell me immediately where you’ve been all this time.” When she notices your startled look, her expression becomes softer. “Sorry, didn’t mean to shout at you. But I was worried! I didn’t know where you were, and you left no message, didn’t answer my calls – “

That’s right, you’ve set your commlink to silent after leaving your quarters.

“I’m sorry”, you say. “You’re right, I should have left a message. To be honest, a few hours ago I myself didn’t know that I wouldn’t be here this evening. It’s a long story.”

“It has to do with Thrawn, right?” She looks at you with a piercing glance, it’s impossible to lie to her.

“Yes”, you reply reluctantly. You remember that Thrawn has actually asked you to handle this topic with discretion.

“I’m not angry with you or anything.” In her eyes you can see that she truly means it. “But please tell me what’s going on between you two. Tell me everything.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fi-nal-ly!! I've been looking forward so badly to post this, but it took me such a long time to finish it! But hey, therefore it's an extra long chapter (over 1000 words more than usually😅)  
I'm also really excited for writing the next chapter, if only my teachers wouldn't kill me with online homework :/ But I'll do my best.  
Thank you all so much for the many nice comments, I hope you're going to enjoy the upcoming chapters (and probably short stories) as well ^-^


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